We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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