Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
