OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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