Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
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