I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
