he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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