You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
