Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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