All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My vagina is very pro this idea
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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