Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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