I have demons in me.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
