i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
