She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
