I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
