Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
