Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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