He uses pillows to masturbate.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
