Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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