Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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