Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We need a shit load of segways right now
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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