So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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