I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
