six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
