Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
