You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
