you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
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