Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Randomize
