She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
