I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
