i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You are a genius and a whore.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
