we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
