Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
