I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
