Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
