I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
