I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
