I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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