blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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