so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
