Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
