dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
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