please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
