How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
