The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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