On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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