She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
