I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
