So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
