Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
This is the high leading the old right now
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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