That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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