she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
